And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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