we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
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I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
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That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
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