Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
