the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
this is an emotional support booty call
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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