party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
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