I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
