please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
