I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
