can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
