Im at strip club and am horny
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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