im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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