I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
No stitches, just platelets and will power
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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