4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
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just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
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What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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