I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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