so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
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