well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
