you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
