..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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