Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
