You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
