When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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