How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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