so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Randomize
