when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
we're making bets on your personal life
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
