We named our party play list daddy issues
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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