you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
