I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
