just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
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