tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Randomize
