I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
