bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
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Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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