but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
