3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
no you cant smoke seaweed
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
