considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
