This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Randomize
