just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Randomize
