she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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