if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
