We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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