wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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