My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
