I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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