In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
