I wish I could punch you in the face.
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
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looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize