she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
