Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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