Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
