We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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