Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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