woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
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