when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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