some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
