i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Randomize
