he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize
