Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
