WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
