just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
